A Difficult Journey

This has been a rough year for my wife and I. For almost half a year I have not been employed. I’ve worked little jobs here and there but certainly was not enough to make ends meet. Needless to say, we’ve accumulated many bills. Finding a part-time job has proved to be difficult. Employers rarely want to hire someone who, in several months, would leave for a full-time position.

But what has hit us harder than our financial situation is the recent miscarriage my wife had a couple of weeks ago. For almost two years now, my wife and I have been trying to have a baby. A little over a year ago, Sarah was diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome. For those of you unaware of what that is, PCOS is a health condition that affects a woman’s “menstrual cycle, ability to have children, hormones, heart, blood vessels, etc.” Sarah has been seeing a specialist since her diagnosis and it has been a long and draining process of doctor visits, regular checkups, testing and medication.

About a month and a half ago, we learned my wife was about four to five weeks pregnant. A few days later, we found out my Sarah’s hormone levels were rapidly dropping, signs of an inevitable miscarriage. The following week, the doctor could hear the heartbeat of the baby. Several days later…the beginning of a long miscarriage process…my wife’s body aborts the child and there’s nothing we can do.

My wife took it much harder than I did. But I would be a liar if I said it had a little affect on me. When I heard the news that my wife was going to possibly have a miscarriage, I felt like I lost a part of me. In nine months I was going to be a daddy; in two weeks I would loose a child.

I would also be a liar if I said I wasn’t angry with God. I know I shouldn’t be. After all, who am I to demand from God? God owes me nothing. I’ve learned much about God’s provisions through these circumstances and I’ve been grappling with the expectations I’ve put on God. Christians tell us that God provides. He hasn’t. And He doesn’t need to. I’ve come to desire only His strength, patience, grace and in times like this, comfort. I would like a job, I would like a baby, I would like to pay off the massive pile of bills, I would like to get out of thousands of dollars of debt…and perhaps God will one day provide in these areas, but in the mean time, all I beg from Him is His mercy and the ability to be content and joyful.

This is just a really difficult year.